BluredVision

I'll always remember...

2006-04-13T01:36:00.000-07:00

the title of this blog..means nothin much..juz the song im listenin to now...one of my fav...by mandy moore..stayin home the whole of today. Not bored...coz im used to it.

Yesterday i had a horrible time with shafie..he's really notty. Makes it so hard for me to teach him even the small and easy things. I have doubts about continuing lessons with him..cos the $ they are givin me...doesn go with the energy i gotta put in all the time. I was practically shoutin at the top of my lungs...forgot that his granny was home...she came into the room..askin if everythin was fine...i told her about the prob...the funny part was..she began to stand beside me..teaching him along with me...funny people...his mum wasnt home...and i swear if she was home..i would have told her that i wudnt wanna teach him anymore...i donno why. im beginning to lose all my patience when it comes to him. Teachin Shifana wasnt like this..though at first she was kinda notty...she's pretty fine now..coping well..

im waitin for sch really so badly. i did a couple of drawins last nite from 11pm to 4am...HAha..didnt realise the time pass so fast...the tv was on...so...yeah i guess i didnt realise how fast days are passin by...

Each day i wake up by readin his sms. He never fails to sms me in the mornin when he's up. So sweet of him..he's been doin that for the past 3 years?..how sweet...i miss him...he has guard duty tonight...hmm..was expecting him to head home today..so that he'll be all fresh for the event at home..but.........well...all happens for some reason...and i believe its for some GOOD reason...im tryin not to be a prob to him...tryin so hard.. hope i'll stick to this.

If im ugly, then so r u.

Hills must not have eyes!

2006-04-11T08:59:00.000-07:00

I watched Hills Have Eyes today at Cathay...Gosh..wad a horrible movie..AND now i know why it was M18...the movie was juz gross...its ok..leave the grossness one side..wazzit dabby's sister?...the one with the baby...why she had to die that way??!!! im goin crazy thinkin of the movie scenes..i didnt know a movie can disturb me to this extend..but and the baby ...*sigh*..she was the heroin for me...such sweetness in her face...i realised that the crater which was shown was the same one from wolf creep or somethin? maybe the location's the same.....hmmm...god..these movies are really farked up..but was worth watchin..BUT but but...dabby's sis doesnt deserve that torturous death..those disgusting morons.........eeeeeeeeeeeekz...aiight..leave the movie alone.

now u see the font's pink...it means im happy *Smilez* i had a great day with him today...but guess wad...my darling was so intensed in shoppin today..it wasnt me...but him who was busy lookin for stuff like ehh...shades...belts..and some other stuff...he also pierced his left ear again cos the ear hole was kinda gone..so yeah...got himself some diamond studds...hHAHa...All these..for one reason...his sis's engagement...he's plannin to look real good...wad can i say.....nothin much to add here...im still not goin no matter how much he trys. He keeps buggin me...even on the way home..but hell no...let my parents go if they are interested. Somewhat i feel that even they are not goin too..i juz hope things wont get sour between us after this fri..

i love him. . . .

im seen as self-centred

2006-04-10T00:24:00.000-07:00

i asked a question yest...a simple one...but the answer was complicated...i juz donno which part of me is hard to understand by others. maybe i shud stop actin like as though its a fresh relationship, where couples cant wait to see each other again, lookin for every opportunity to meet..stuff like that. So now its diff...completely diff...he says he's marryin me..and NS makin him physically tired...oh..mentally too. But there's nothin much i can do here..maybe jus one thing..which is to not call him out...or get mad for not bringing me out..plainly be like a gal who goes out with him when he's less tired..and blah blah blah...but...doesnt he see that i miss him all week...before i get to see him on the weekend?..Maybe missin someone is nothin compared to physical tiredness...

I got some tops yesterday...really luv them....both were purple....but those were the ones i liked among the others that i saw while i shopped. well he was aroun too..but..i wish i had another fren with me instead. he didnt seem interested...and that was bother me...i hate to be pressured when im shopping...its like.."are u done?..or there more walkin to do" thingy permenently on his face...why is he like this all of a sudden?..

He's parents invited my parents over to their house for his sis engangement...and im not at al interested to attend it...thinkin of the consequences that may arise by my presence. when i talk about this to him..he says my parents are old-fashioned. nice. he thinks h's 100% rite. How to show my concerns in this issue to him when he insists everythin that i don. its hard.

My mind twists...and turns..and twists again..

2006-04-08T03:12:00.000-07:00

He.Nope i don wanna begin this blog with a he..maybe it shud be a I...yeah...puttin myself b4 him is a much MUCH better choice than anythin rite now...

Im really like brain dead...donno why are guys so self centred in everythin they do..how many times i give in and time and again its like i donno whats the meanin of givin in...im so tired...very tired...but i cant sleep..my nights are restless...i miss school...i might be the first idiot to miss school..but i miss sch cos i miss my frens...they are all gone now...i cant find them anywhere...im sure no one lives a life as miserable as mine..like wad my sis said..she speaks the truth ... i juz hate to sound like im depressed...knowin on the other end that people of my age are havin loads of fun with their pals..im like bloggin about my depression..it totally sux...

He's sleepin now..he's knee's swollen...does that mean i muz call the ambulance for him..or tell the whole world about it...im sick of usin the word whatever. wait..why am i tellin that now?.. told ya im depressed..everythin comes into my mind at the same time..its all jumbled up..like a jig-saw puzzle pieces..if ur knee's swollen u either do somethin to make it better ...u juz don complain and do nothin about it...its ANNOYING..

Maybe now that im so free..havin all the time in my hands...we go out at his own timingz n stuff...but..he doesnt understand how diff it is for me..NS is all he yak about...how did i endure this for all these 3 years...makes me really curious..i juz don understand myself till today..im totally confusin.. he doesnt like my attitude but loves me...what he loves me for then?..i mean there shud be a reason behind this love of his...i cancelled my lesson today..but he's tired..and why the promising words yest? i think im giving in too much..i do the sayin..i'll say i wont call, wont sms, wont meet, wont go out, wont c ur face...but in the end..it happens otherwise..i juz forget everythin the moment he holds me.

Its like im addicted to him..but i don like the way he treats me...might sound kiddish..but its juz not fair to me...he doesnt see my reasons and my loneliness when he's away in camp...He refuses to..he doesnt try...

i was all ready...den he says 7pm....wanna sleep...totally sick...he wudnt know until i start goin for my lessons again...waitin for next week to get busy again...that will make me feel much MUCH better...maybe he might know i feel than...im hoping